I’m having a lot of trouble motivating myself, so we’ll see how this goes.
Note: this is a 4.4 pound increase from when I weighed in a few months ago.
I graduated college in 1997. At that point, I weighed 160 (I’m 5’8″). 17 years later, I weigh 290ish. I haven’t shared this with anyone I know, but I had some blood work done a year or so ago, and my blood sugar was high. If I’m not a type 2 diabetic, I’m definitely getting there. Additionally, I just turned 39. So, I no longer have youth in my corner.
So, with all that going on, why do I fail at eating healthy and working out consistently? I’m not exactly sure, but I’m starting to think it’s a pretty dark answer: I’ve given up on myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal or anything, but I spend most of my time alone, I’m single, I have no kids, and only one real friend to speak of. I have the feeling that my long string of failures at life have ended with me just letting myself waste away.
Deep down, there’s still something in me that wants to fight this fate. Unfortunately, it has to overpower a much stronger sense of self pity and loathing. We’ll see where this goes…
A friend once posted the following on Facebook:
“Website addresses are like women. The good ones are all taken, but you can occasionally find a gem in a foreign country.”
…which was promptly followed by every woman he knows telling him how awful a person he is.
Misogyny aside, the part about URLs is 100% correct. . . unless you have a pretty decent chunk of money to spend.
When I decided to blog about my attempt to get back into shape, I wanted an address that told a story standing on its own. Something that I wouldn’t look at in a month and think, “what a stupid blog name!” Not any easy task.
I opted for self doubt and negativity.
If you’ve ever tried to remove an addiction from your life, whether it be overeating, drinking, sex, smoking, or something of a lesser degree, you’ve probably failed. Probably more than once. I don’t know about anyone else, but repeated failure gets me pretty close to giving up on myself. The negative words floating around in my head? “Lazy, fat, worthless.” These are the insurmountable hurdles in my way. The obstacles I’ve created.
So, why Lazy Fat Worthless? Because maybe putting my doubts out there in the public realm could turn them into a positive of sorts. Perhaps it’s about time I proved to myself that none of those words describe me.
Like many people who are grossly out of shape, I’ve have several stops and restarts over the years. I’ve even tried blogging before for accountability, which didn’t work. It’s very clear that y biggest obstacle is me.
So, I feel I’m in a better place lately, which means I’m giving this another go. My official start for logging stuff will be this Sunday, so see you then.